MIND OVER MATTER
We’ve all been victim to that bastard hangover.
I suffered one last December after a jolly social, the sort of session where the Christmas spirit(s) guarantee(s) the morrow to be of no more product than if one were comatose. I am crumpled against the side of my bed, fully clothed, with my head, wracked by pounding dehydration, resting on a brogue.
I do not condone getting so rat-arsed you unwittingly retire on your floor using a shoe as a pillow, although this can happen. This exemplifies the magnitude of hangover one too easily resigns to before making any attempt to defeat it.
You’ve lost the mental battle and have therefore lost the war.
This is the critical mistake I see many people making with Irish flu. The adoptive nihilism worn during these episodes makes for shite company, including one’s own, yet people seem still determined to remain indoors playing FIFA. They often rot in bed, either not eating at all or gorging junk-food and worsening their state whilst watching repeats of the Big fucking Bang Theory. No wonder hungover people seem catatonic.
I would like to offer my solution to hangovers. This is no miracle cure. This is no new discovery. It can be a pain in the ass to implement, but it has a 100% success rate. I ask only that you try it once and I guarantee alleviation of your hangover, if not total annihilation.
Firstly, I will run through the options you face in these situations. If you’ll pardon me the blatancy of such an allusion, think of option #1 as the blue pill and #2 as the red pill. The easy route and the right route.
OPTIONS
#1 Be a Shit Person
You will not have recovered. You will feel worse if you succumb to inertia. Just because it’s easy does not mean it’s painless – you will continue to rot. The rot is often cumulative.
You will have achieved nothing. Ask yourself what you achieved the last time you were hungover. Beating your hand-shandy record or watching one short of a full series of Breaking Bad does not define achievement. (Unless you managed to jack it more than 7 times, that will count, you woeful human). The likelihood is your answer is ‘very little’.
You will be thought less of. People revel in this woeful state, broadcasting how badly they lack function on social networks. These days, in which so much potential is lost, are spent pitying oneself. People are going to think less of you if you think less of yourself, respect from others is born from respect for yourself. You’re wallowing in, and effectively boasting about, being an unproductive shite. I cut the people from my life who bask in the passing of what precious time we are afforded. I suggest you do too. Beginning with yourself.
#2 Obliterate your Hangover
You will recover – physically, then mentally. For approximately an hour’s pain and effort you are afforded the rest of a day void of pain and as productive as one wishes it to be.
You will achieve whatever you want to. You can achieve with a hangover what you can achieve without. It takes more effort and is, for that reason, more rewarding. You will not only pull yourself from the abyss, you will be leading others from it too. Be the person who people envy for the energy you express after a blowout and infect them with it.
You will be respected by others and yourself. You shan’t be awake at 1am, aimlessly surfing YouTube, wishing you’d have applied a modicum of effort to something during your day. You will be laying contently in bed at 10pm, feeling like a fucking boss, drifting off to a restful sleep in preparation for a functional morrow. You will be respected and loathed by others for your ability to attack life in seemingly dire straits.
THE DEFINITE PLAN OF ATTACK
N.B. – Perceive these instructions, and I do humbly suggest every-fucking-thing else in life, through the doctrine of ‘you get out what you put in’. Effort expended = reward received (EE=RR).
Step #1 The Hard Part
You’ve just woken up, if ‘woken up’ constitutes your brain affording you the requisite level of consciousness to feel pain but not to operate. You daren’t move with any more speed than that of the average sloth. You feel like, and are undoubtedly looking about as attractive as, the average sloth. But, the alcohol-pickled mush rotting inside your cranium will become cognisant of your reading of this article and, knowing you will shortly feel infinitely better, you are spurred to get the fuck out of bed.
Personally, I utilise my lingering intoxication in place of actual will and motivation. In an action-rewind of my drunken auto-pilot’s actions in the minutes ceding passing out, I head straight to the kitchen, where we action Step #2.
Step #2 Painkillers
You’ve hauled your sorry, drunken ass to the kitchen to take your first physiological step to recovery.
Take three 500mg paracetamol or two 500mg ibroprufen, or their commensurate consumerist equivalencies.Avoid fucking codeine and fucking avoid tramadol. Even in small amounts they will ensure you remain dopey and unproductive for the totality of your day, especially with last night’s alcohol coursing through your veins. These are not drugs one should depend on for pain relief unless absolutely necessary.
Take a multivitamin. Avoid effervescent bollocks like Berocca, they only serve to worsen your stomach’s appalling acidity.
Follow with water.
Step #3 The Hangover Shake
You’re en route to better health and shall be taking the faster lane, the fucking autobahn, via consumption of this hangover elixir.
You will need:
– One banana
– One small handful of Strawberries
– One small handful of Blueberries
– One small handful of Raspberries
– One tablespoon of Honey
– One cup of ice
Having all three berries isn’t essential but at least one required. All ingredients, known in our bent popular culture as ‘superfoods,’ are proven to aid hangovers. All together they make for a kick-ass hangover cure and pretty tasty drink. Blend all ingredients with 300ml of water.
Although tastier, avoid milk as this takes your body much more time and metabolic capital to digest.
Follow with some more water and wait one hour until actioning Step 4.
Step #4 The Harder Part
‘All things are difficult before they are easy.’ – Thomas Fulle
Using a drug to counteract the unwanted side-effects of another can be effective in achieving relief. For example, I could simply and fairly instantaneously alleviate my throbbing headache by taking a bong of marijuana. This offers a cheap and short-lived relief from the symptom (headache) but does not remedy the disease (hangover).
You buy some weed, you pack a zoot, you rip it (EE). You’ve put in very little. In terms of effort, you’ve invested sweet FA. The return on this investment is, at very best, a couple of hours distraction from pain, a dramatic impairment of your brain function and a whole day void of productivity (RR). Your reap little if you sow little.
The difference between temporarily mitigating the symptoms of your hangover and cunting it in to next week, next Friday to be precise, is exercise. So let us assess this equally, if not more, simple and far superior alternative.
You can attack your hangover with two types of exercise – high intensity exercise and medium/low intensity exercise . The former requires a maximum of a third of the time that the latter takes to execute, is far more taxing (EE) and efficient in expelling the shite saturating your system (RR).
Before I discuss some ideas for each, note that exercise intensity is subjective and can vary wildly between individuals. For example, I jump rope for 15 minutes to warm up before exercise and would consider it a low intensity exercise at that duration. I know many averagely healthy people who would consider skipping, of any duration, high intensity exercise in its own right.
The exercises I discuss here are categorised as per the average, healthy person. Regardless, you may forgive yourself for struggling with any one of these exercises if you’re attempting them in the throes of Irish Flu.
High Intensity
Specifically, high intensity interval training or ‘HIIT.’ HIIT has been shown to be a superior form of exercise for improving anaerobic and, to a lesser extent, aerobic fitness as well as providing long lasting metabolic benefits, the corollary for this being subcutaneous fat loss.
These workouts consist of a warm-up of at least 5-10 minutes, obligatory for all exercise, and 3-5 sets of alternating intervals of high intensity and low intensity exercise. The length of sets can vary between fractions of a minute to several and intensity between insane to medium/high respectively.
http://www.12minuteathlete.com/4-minute-tabata-workouts/ – If you want to smash the fuck out of your hangover quickly (RR). It tends to fight back at this level of intensity (EE).
http://www.mensfitness.com/training/cardio/8-amazing-fat-burning-intervals?page=2 – Some ideas for intervals that don’t make you want to chunder out your lungs, yet are still high intensity.
Personally, I jump rope for 15 minutes to warm up and will either, dependent on the severity of my hangover, do one of the following:
– Hit my punchbag for 8-12 rounds of 3 minutes with 1 minute rest periods in which I do 30 sit-ups or 15 V sit-ups. Works perfect for standard hangovers, it’s fun and there’s a treasure trove of cringy moments that flood in to your increasingly alert mind which can act as motivation.
– Wear a sweatsuit, sauna-suit and 14kg weight-vest in which I skip for 10 minutes with high knees, flat-fucking-out. Short and sweet, extremely high EE and corollary RR. Perfect for twatting savage hangovers. Booze streams and steams from my pores, I feel as if I’m about to collapse and then I’m done.
I opt for high intensity exercise because it is over faster. I would rather smash all the effort necessary to chug out a half an hour of jogging in to 10 minutes of jumping like a kangaroo on speed. The downside is the immense amount of effort one must expend and physical stress one must endure, this is why many won’t find this option preferable when feeling delicate.
Everything Else
Squatting, skipping and sparring isn’t for everyone. Exercise, in all its forms, will improve your mood and physical well-being in the short and long term. I would like to stress that lower intensity exercise is not the lesser option, it is the same amount of effort expended over a longer duration. This might not be the case for those of you who consider the following examples high intensity:
– Jogging. If you are jogging at a slow pace you need to aim for a minimum of 3km, or anything that takes you 20 minutes. Opt for wearing sweatsuits and/or insular clothing to ensure maximum perspiration. I’m sure there’s some fantastically simple biological explanation, but anecdotally I’ve always found this accelerates the process of extinguishing a hangover, although one must be consistent in drinking water before and during the run for dehydration is exacerbated during a ‘morning after.’
– Walking. Aim for a minimum of 20-30 minutes, this will exert you enough to merit calling it exercise. It may not feel like exertion, but sucking in fresh oxygen and stretching your legs over a couple of km will have you feeling refreshed and revitalised quicker than you think.
– Sex. I’ve oftentimes pasted my hangovers by 11am without taking any conventional exercise. I wake up, have lots of sex and go for a walk.
I opt for low intensity exercise, such as jogging and jumping rope, when I’m feeling fresh and wanting to exercise in leisure rather than feeling I must do so out of necessity. This is my personal preference and it shouldn’t reflect on your decision, although I do urge you to try both methods at least once before deciding you’d rather one over the other.
Step #5 Breakfast
The final component of the morning-after arsenal. The reward for your hard work and the re-feed you require after having dragged your body through abuse by alcohol and physical exertion. You’re fucking knackered, you fucking deserve this meal.
Ensure you eat within 45 minutes of exercise, this is the window in which your body will optimally absorb what you feed it. If you miss the window you will become catabolic (degenerative, muscle eating). If you eat the right foods within this window you will achieve an anabolic state (regenerative, muscle building).
I shan’t dictate to you what to eat on your hangover, it’s you who has earned this meal, but I will humbly suggest you heed my advice as to what its constituents should be.
Elements required in your feed are:
– Protein. A must have after exercise to rebuild and grow muscle tissue. There’s some more of that fantastically simple science behind protein being effective in alleviating symptoms of hangovers, but all I know is – bacon. Examples: Meat, fish and milk.
– Simple and Complex Carbohydrate. Simple carbohydrates, or sugars, will give your metabolism a much needed boost and help transport nutrients around your body. Complex carbohydrates will replenish your glycogen levels and provide fuel for your day. Examples: Honey, milk, wholemeal/seeded bread and oats.
– Fat. This will help energise you (‘get a load of this guy’ I hear you holler.. – http://www.marksdailyapple.com/a-metabolic-paradigm-shift-fat-carbs-human-body-metabolism/#axzz34zTDvwEd) and will keep you in an anabolic state. Examples: Red meat, full-fat milk and nuts.
– Vitamins and Minerals. Without these micronutrients, the macronutrients (above) you consume cannot be metabolised effectively by your body. Your digestive system will be working at a slower rate as it is, so you need to ensure you are consuming foods rich in them. Examples: Fruit, vegetables and nuts.
– Water. I’m not going to lecture you on the benefits of drinking something that constitutes at least 60% of your physical being. However much you’re drinking, you’re probably not drinking enough.
Personally, I opt for another hangover shake, using full-fat milk instead of water and adding whey protein. It tastes outrageously good, is quick to make and consume and it contains everything set out above, in large quantities. I drink this whilst cooking a massive motherfucking fry-up.
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Have you any of your own hangover tips and tricks? Reply in the section below!
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